Biting the Pillow

This isn’t the newest of ideas, nor will I be the one to probably put it most eloquently. But I’ve been thinking about the good ol’ binary of masculine/feminine. Why do we call straight men masculine, and kept house wives feminine? Then I began to think about why we call these things masculine and feminine and then we use human characteristics to talk about the universe as if our socially constructed genders have some sort of universal application.

A couple nights ago, I was watching “Relax…it’s just sex” for the first time. In a scene a couple of guys start to get gay-bashed (with baseball bats and the sort) and then the gay guys get rescued by some friends. They then proceed to battle off the straight guys and one of the gay guys grabs a straight guy and is threatening him, and then starts to rape him. The gay guy tells him to relax and tells the guy that gay guys have learned to relax so they can enjoy it.

It just seems that so much of what is enshrined in our culture is actually the domain of the bottom. Bottom’s are the ones that have to tolerate pain and exercise control, and books I’ve read on S/M say that it is ultimately the bottom who is in control. Additionally, the bottom is the one who is at most risk if anything were to happen (STI’s, fissures, etc.).

So, if you’re a bottom, say it with pride. I think that it’s simple sexism that keeps the gay community stigmatizing bottoms. Just like taking offense if someone says you’re too queeny (what is wrong with that? Are you saying that traits that belong to a woman are degrading?) don’t take offense if someone calls you an uberbottom. You are (after all) the one who is in control.

The rest of this is just bizarre unrelated stuff. I’ve been having strange dreams lately. The other night I dreamed I could try out a vagina and then switch back to a penis. I tried it, and I felt like I had to get used to being stimulated solely on the inside (which is wrong I know for how women feel, at least I think it is), and it felt a little good, but then it was over. I was aghast and thought, poor women. Then some woman came up and starting yelling at me for not having an orgasm, and I was like “Hey! It was my first time having sex as a woman. Some women never have orgasms in their entire lives! I think I did pretty good!” (sorry for all the exclamations). Then I also dreamed last night that I was at my mother’s house and she had made the fence in her backyard really high in parts, and chicken (oh blessed chicken) was in the backyard. Then it seemed that the neighbors had STOLEN chicken, and I was furious. I think this partially came from the fact that on Xmas Eve somehow chicken ended up in the trash can. Chicken had better have slid and not been placed there. Everyone who was here that day is on notice: I’ll be watching you…

The wheels are slowly turning…

There have been several things I’ve been thinking about writing. I’d really thought a great deal about writing a post positing Dawson as the second coming of Christ, but I’m just not feeling it.

Last Wednesday, I started to worry about my flight the next day back to Denver. Not wanting to be unprepared, JR and I did laundry and got packed anyway. The flight remained as scheduled, but we were the first flight that hadn’t been cancelled, so I knew that all of the other flights throughout the rest of the weekend were probably completely filled up. When we got the news that our flight was cancelled the next morning I knew that there was no way we would make it back. Sure enough, after JR placed the call to the airline we learned that the next available flight out was on the 26th, the date of our original return, so we decided to snuggle up in SF and try to make the most of our holidays. My Bro-in-law actually flew into Las Vegas and then drove my brother’s van up to Denver in order to make it. I wonder how many people showed up to my brother’s wedding open house, hmm…kind of made my boycott moot. See! Jesus was mad at me and is punishing me. I just am amazed that I am so special that he would cancel so many flights to do it.

JR and I spent quite a bit of that time apart before Xmas because we both wanted to purchase things for each other upon arrival in Denver, so we had to go shopping for each other. And I actually had quite a good time doing just that. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve really gone seriously shopping so it was fun to get somewhat back into it despite my still not being able to purchase for him what I would really want to give him, but I found many things that I did, and was quite pleased.

Probably the part that pissed JR off the most is that he got me a new phone (not sure the old one needed to be replaced but some of the keys only worked off and on, so maybe it was time) but I was worried that the model was to easily breakable. I was this close to letting him get me a plastic protective cover that was black with hello kitty day-glow, but the sheer fact that the cover would have cost more than the phone made me think better of it (even if it were a Hong Kong import).

Now we just have to get off our asses and try and think of something for NYE. And no, not Phoenix as exciting as it may seem.

And after all the holiday eating, I’m feeling extra fat. Mmmm…but must seriously get to gym. It’s getting kind of out of hand!

I may have shown this to some…

but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t see it for yourselves.

Relief

Well, things have finally settled down. My last paper was whisked away into the electronic ether a while ago. Hopefully things will turn out well.

I have to admit that my most favorite phrase of the semester was “there’s no boot in a B” which for some reason just seems to make me happy (and probably will mean nothing to you unless you are really, really into tax).

I’ll try and post something more substantial soon, but now you won’t have to be scared by the snake anymore.

There are some things that I do want to write about religion (how silly it is), ex-gays (how un-”christ-like” they are and how they are going to burn in hell), but I want to get my thoughts a little more gelled before I do that. Hope to catch up on everyone soon! Heck, even JR has a new post. It’s a veritable blogging renaissance in our place. And I was very happy to see that Atari has resumed blogging. It makes me wonder if you can really keep away from it forever. I don’t think I know a blogger yet that has stopped. And if I leave snarky comments on your blog just know it’s my way of showing love. Sweet sarcastic love.

Unfortunately…

Been kind of caught up with finals. Hope to get back into things soon.

Shame

Lately, I’ve been feeling guilty about possibly being too pedantic on this blog. I really don’t mean it in that sense. I just sometimes tire of people who always have “something interesting” to say, or “did you know” or “actually, this was…” followed by some pronouncement of knowledge. Not that I consider myself that knowledgeable.

I’m actually quite young and naive–in my mid-20’s. I really don’t want to come off as arrogant. My major problem with all of these things is that I feel it creates distance and makes true communication more difficult. So, if I’ve been doing that a lot, sorry, and maybe some suggestions on how I could improve would also be useful.

I’m really starting to get back into IDM…

Okay, I just got this album, and I’m really loving it. It’s kind of fun in the way it’s all in DTS 5.1 and has all of these bizarre animations along with it.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymc4Lm4bNQg">

And I think I’m alone as to loving Autechre.

Am I the only one out there who loves clicks and beeps?

Hooray!

It seems I’ve passed the MPRE! Finally, it seems like my academics might be looking up!

I’ve been a bad, bad girl…

JR is intent upon our not being so fat when we return home. Certainly by now, most readers of this blog would know that I couldn’t care less what I look like for the most part. Sad, but true. We’ve started going to the gym again (with classes, and papers, and my job, it just wasn’t happening). The problem is I need to go everyday to get into a groove, and JR only wants to go 3-4 times week. Last night, we went to Costco to buy the Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts that our diet will now consist of for the next 4 weeks, and some various greens. The problem is when I get into this mode it’s either on or off. I knew I had to go to the gym last night, and JR didn’t want to so I went alone.

It was just fine for the most part. I went with my iPod as was listening to QCast Connecticut (The Funnest Podcast from the Nutmeg State), and I isolated myself for the most part. I’m kind of hating all the tv’s with videos showing body-building competitions. Honestly, I have no desire to look like that, and I feel like it’s just being rammed down my throat. I went about my business while all the other gay boys chatted. Then I saw someone in really short white shorts with a t-shirt. Oh well. Get on the elliptical after weights and I look over…the guy is now wearing only his underwear and shoes. Huh?

Beyond that, I feel like there’s nothing I can eat that won’t make me feel guilty, so I haven’t been eating today. Just black coffee and water, which I personally love. I know it’s bad, but I just can’t overcome my OCD to pick something out to eat that won’t seem dumb in the end. This all goes out the window once 6 pm hits (why is that I wonder, maybe the beast just takes over).

Oh, and did you see Kathy Griffen on Larry King Live? JR made me turn it off because I was laughing so hard I was shaking the bed.

Also interesting, JR says that when I clean house I become really attractive. I’m not buying it.

Self-reflexive

As much as I despise self-reflexive blogging, I’m kind of in the mood. I’ve been thinking (again) about the blogs and podcasts that I like most and how they are almost all personal journals. Actually, what I want this blog to be is a personal journal. However, I never seem to write anything about what is actually happening in my life. Am I just totally devoid of emotion as to what happens to me in general. I think my life would be very thin on plot, but then again maybe not. I’ve started to think that what happens to me is mostly in my head (at least for me). My scribblings of what I’m thinking about are probably much more about me than stories about how my boss was snippy, or how I got drunk, or other things.

Part of it is reluctance to write about people I know in some ways. I’ve tried using symbology to do that, and it seems to have worked out okay.

I’ve also started to think about how mormonism has truly helped me in my life. In some ways, mormonism was my entire understanding of the universe, myself, god, others, etc. When that gradually began to fall apart, I felt as if there were no system that could contain everything. In short, it’s made me a skeptic, and I’m happy about that. It’s something I noticed that most germans were. Perhaps it’s after you make a grave mistake, you learn that sometimes, you just can’t be too careful.

I’ve also been thinking about something (again) where someone got a comment on their podcast where a straight listener said it was a great podcast because it wasn’t solely gay. This gets into “covering” which I thought I would bring up in a different context.

Basically the theory is this. Society demands that we assimilate in 3 different ways in descending order of severity.

1. Conversion (become straight)
2. Passing (don’t let anyone know you are queer)
3. Covering (don’t let your identity be obtrusive)

Gays aren’t the only ones who suffer covering demands. Many people of color are lauded when they “act white” or women in the workplace when they “act masculine” or gays when they “don’t flaunt”. It’s kind of like don’t ask don’t tell in a way. In some ways, passing and covering are rather imbricated. A lot of covering can lead to passing unintentionally. Mainstream society loves it when gays:

1. Don’t talk about gay rights
2. Have hardly any gay friends
3. Act straight
4. Don’t frequently mention a partner
5. Avoid gay community spaces

and so on and so on.

You could make the same lists for people of color.

So if any of you say that I don’t seem that gay, or that it’s good I’m not TOO gay, I’m going to come and sit on a dildo right in front of you wearing a big pink tutu because, I’m gay, and I’m intensely proud, and guess what? Sex is a part of it. If you think sex isn’t a huge part of the straight world, you are sorely mistaken…