Day Two

Something that I fail to find funny as much as I would like to is the recent song God Hates Fags or The Bible Says. Apparently, according to Joe My God, this guy isn’t really serious and is a former actor. If he is professional then I wonder if he is gay to begin with. If he is gay, is approppriate for him to be using this card to sort of gain noteriety with such a mean-spirited campaign. Perhaps he’s not gay. We’ve been watching the office lately, and I’m struck that a lot of the humor is old non-pc humor–the things we are told not to say. I think that it’s all quite funny, and most of it functions I believe on the premise that we all understand how ridiculous it is and more laughing at the speaker than at the joke itself. In that same vein, is this guy putting himself up for ridicule? Is he actually furthering the cause by showing how literally hateful and vindictive some groups are?

Part of what really bugs me about all of this is the way it exposes the normative effect that many things have in society. Someone says your evil according to the bible, and what do you say back? It has a very powerful effect, and yet you are somewhat powerless to combat it. You can use rational studies, deconstruction, and all of these other tools, and they work, but it doesn’t quite undo the social programming and the sting that are rendered by the power dynamics. It’s the same way that a white guy being called a cracker isn’t nearly as offensive or hurtful as it probably is to a black person being called a nigger. This was something that came up for me this Sunday as JR and I were going out on Sunday morning. At 18th and Castro (what many might consider one of the prime symbolic points of gayness) there was this bizarre ranting xtian, who was hardly intelligible. I could faintly make out words like sodom and gommorrah, and every one was just for the most part trying to ignore him. I wondered what a white supremicist would encounter in Harlem. Then I wondered what would a white supremecist encounter in Chinatown. Part of this all has to the idea with the invaison of sanctuaries by a power that already pervades it (through laws and more powerful forces than blubbering lunatics). Part of me wants to just yell to them that they are already present even if we don’t want them there, but I just give icy stares and try not to argue as JR tells me that it’s pointless and won’t make a bit of difference.

I also saw a really large roach today on the third floor of my school. I thought about putting it on my pen and taking it into class to shock everyone. Then I thought about taking it outside, then I thought about stepping on it. But I just walked past it and went into class.

I also saw someone who shares the name of an infamous pornographer today on my way to school. I always love saying his name really loud because I think it’s so funny that they share the same name, and yes I say both first and last names every time.

I think I also have restless leg syndrome (LRS). I’m always shaking or twitching. JR hates it and tells me to calm myself all the time. It makes me think of how everything is medicalized and I now think there is a medication for LRS.

I also feel like I repeat a lot of my ideas. I was on a podcast again, and I think I must sound like I’m obsessed with certain topics. I find myself brining out the same examples over and over as if I can’t think of anything new. I even do it on this blog!

I also thought about the lack of pictures and someone said (I think it was Urspo) that posts without pictures usually mean someone is really thinking. Usually I think, oh no, this is going to be heavy, and feel like it is going to be a big effort to read. You’ll have to tell me at the end of the week what you think.

What? No pictures? A week-long experiment

Usually I post a picture with every post. Not always, but I would have to say almost always. I find that I spend half the time of a post on finding the appropriate picture. In order to make things a bit shorter, I have decided not to do that for a while. I realize that this might lead the blog to seem a bit boring, but hey, you take your chances. Part of this has to do with a short post I saw on Best Gay Blogs by someone who was hurt by no longer being on someone’s blogroll. The author expressed his dismay at being somewhat rejected, but ultimately that the writing itself should be the ultimate goal. I also can occasionally be caught up in comments–a sort of validation, a feeling of having been heard (not that this isn’t important)–and have strayed perhaps from using the blog as a more personal journal of sorts.

As I have previously written, I think that my posts are mostly thoughts and not so much daily events. I keep thinking back to an experience in high school where we asked to write about The Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and talk about psychological as opposed to event plot development. I suppose I see my life more with a plot line of psychological turning points than events.

This morning I was watching a film we had received through Netflix, Grand Ecole, and I suddenly was feeling as if I was tired of the US. I started fantasizing while walking down to get coffee (I was initially going to go to Spike’s because I like supporting non-chain stores, but for some reason the taste seemed not to appeal to me this morning) that maybe I could live back in Germany doing some sort of the type of work that I’m going to school for. I was thinking I should really start learning French. I hihgly enjoyed the movie. And I’m thinking that I like the word for alone in French. Seule or however, you spell it. It sounds so “soulful”. Anyway, that’s it. No well thought out essay like GayProf. Might write more.

Finding myself on the verge of tears at work

During my working hours, I usually listen to podcasts. Most of them are personal journals, but there is one podcast that I have come to regard as indispensable: Democracy Now!

I’m hoping most people have at least heard of it, but I’m afraid that it’s usually regarding as absolutely biased, leftist propaganda. Nothing could be further from the truth. Although it may seem quite leftist, much of this has to do with the number of interviews that are declined from the right. Given an independent media forum where dollars no longer rule, it seems the are more hesitant to venture.

Quite frankly I continue to be shocked with the stories I hear.

One of the producers of the Donahue show said that if they had a left-wing thinker on then they needed a 3:1 ratio to counterbalance. And this is not Fox news.

It seems daily I hear of stories where our government has tortured people without cause (no charges are usually ever brought) and hear more of how insidious elements are deeply enmeshed within our media and government (Blackwater Inc.) and the way that Neo-cons have enabled themselves to invisibly usurp some of our most precious commodities: values, votes and most shockingly, lives.

Today I was listening as they played 911 calls that were received in a town when a train carrying hazardous materials went off the track. Clear Channel owned the stations responsible for the radio emergency broadcast and 911 operators repeatedly told people to listen to the radio. Clear Channel never aired a single announcement. Instead, the music continued to be piped in from remote locations without a whisper of warning.

The host is Amy Goodman. I simply love her questioning. She always lets the guests talk and I’m always impressed with how much she seeks the story and not a script. She has said some things that I’ve rolled my eyes at, but that was mostly when asking really hard questions that I knew people would refuse to answer, but I think they are definitely worth asking, and more than that, I’m glad that someone is asking. Thank you, Amy.

A guest appearance…

I was on Adam’s podcast This Boy Elroy. He’s a great guy. Take a listen if you fancy.

Click here to go to his post.

It’s funny. In looking at Adam’s old blog, I feel like he’s such a bright and ebullient fellow. I’m beginning to wish that I had a joie de vivre that it seems everyone else does have. I’m back on the pills regularly, but I still haven’t gotten the chance to see the head shrinker. Hopefully that will happen soon, but I don’t know what that would exactly do to help. It just seems as if my life is so dull. Adam just always seems to be doing something interesting and helping other people out. Ah, if only I could be so golden of heart as he.

Last weekend we went to go see Shopping! The musical. It was really a great time. My favorite song was “Shippers Delight” which was all about handling charges and how they apparently make no sense. I’d have to say the song made less sense to me than the concept of handling charges, but the sheer ridiculousness of all the songs and all of the old ladies from Nebraska made me feel up for a while. Oh and I got to see the other Kalvin. Well, his name isn’t really Kalvin, but we have the first name, and we are both from Denver and we were both mormon and are now gay. And we both love Proust. Speaking of him, I haven’t heard from him in a while. Hmm…

Later on I saw one of the four cast members on a poster that proclaims “Hot sex without crystal? Hell yes!” with a bunch of porn stars. I wonder what those little old ladies would have thought if they had known about that. I also ran into the other male cast member at Daddy’s last Saturday, and we had a pleasant short chat. I’m always amazed with how approachable people are in this town. Maybe there is something great about it.

Crestfallen

I did some cooking over the holiday weekend. I’ve always liked doing souffles because my parents usually did them around special occasions when I was a child. I did one around Christmas and it turned out so well. However, as pictured above, my last attempt was none so stellar. I really need to actually get a souffle dish which is probably one of the biggest problems. I’ve been beating the egg whites by hand so maybe I haven’t been getting them stiff enough, but I always tend to overbeat them when I do it with a mixer. Plus, I just seem to like doing things by hand. I think I started to like whipping cream by hand when I was on my mission in germany. Because we just arrived at apartments that were already furnished, there weren’t usually any electric mixers. The germans used to like to make Quark, which actually is just a sort of yogurt-cheese in and of itself, but in the dish they usually folded in whipped cream and some sort of fresh fruit, or did it with black cherries. It was really nice because it had a more tangy taste, and was quite satisfying. So back in those awful days in germany, I would take solace in pulling out a whisk and just beating the cream for several minutes. It seems more astonishing that it works when I do it by hand and feels kind of magical.

Perhaps it wasn’t a total failure. JR preferred the second souffle by far. The problem with the first is that I hadn’t lined it with parmesean cheese and the comte I used was probably too mild. I opted for a stronger gruyere the second time and used some reggiano on the sides and top.

I’ve been feeling crestfallen as well. My grades have been pretty good for the first time in a year, but I haven’t been taking my medication as regularly. I get this nervous feeling like something is wrong and my stomache starts to ache constantly. At this point I usually take a 3 antihistamines, and I gradually mellow and fall asleep. I’m just finding myself simply wanting to be asleep rather than awake most of the time, crying bouts, etc. But I’m going back in to see the shrink soon, so maybe it will all sort itself out.

School…again

The start of school is tomorrow, and I’m just starting to get all of my ducks in a row. It’s a bit stressful because it is my last semester unless I want to do something completely unrelated. Otherwise, things have been relatively uneventful. JR and I met up with Larry last night of the little fatty cast podcast hailing from the Carolina’s, and we certainly had a good time. I’ve been feeling rather down. Part of it is that I think that my lack of having goals is probably exceedingly problematic. I believe that I like to cover over this lack by lots of intellectual theorizing or other ways of trying to reduce things down to what “really matters.” Ultimately, however, this kind of leaves me out of some of the more basic things that seem to be omnipresent in gay life: fitness, diet, wealth, status, home-owning, cars, technology, etc. I just don’t have a genuine interest in high tech things. I think part of why I loved blogs and podcasts so much is how easily it let me read/listen to the mundane of people’s lives. The design, technology, relative newness of the medium really hasn’t been that important to me. Part of it is that JR and I clash heads sometimes on questions of value, and I’m beginning to feel like I wouldn’t care if I were a sloppy, poor intellectual who drank heavily and wore sweatsuits all day with foodstains all over them. Putting them all together does just now seem to paint a somewhat overwhelming picture, but I suppose I don’t find any of it all too objectionable if there were some other healthy vocation involved as well. I just feel like I need to get motivated to want the things I should want: a good job, better health, keeper a neater house, under more control, etc. Here’s to finding some motivation…and soon!

ABC…it’s as easy as 123, HRC, baby you and me

The HRC is really not for me. Why? Because I’m not normal, and I never will be.

I’ve been tremendously enjoying this Michael Warner book “The Trouble with Normal” and if there were one book I could make gay men read, well, this might be it.

To me, the problem with today’s gays (to borrow a title from Larrry Kramer) is that they think too much like Larry Kramer. Everybody seems to think that we’re just like everyone else. Look at how normal we are! Yet we will never be normal like they are. There will never be predominantly homosexual plot lines, song lyrics, life stories, office parties, bars, etc. We will always be a minority and not “normal”.

I’m having difficulty articulating myself, so I’ll take a common instance I have. One podcaster, Tom aka Ramble Redhead, asks all of his guests, what they would like to tell the gay youth of today. Invariably he talks about, look! maybe one day you could have a boyfriend, and a respectable job with a monogamous relationship and live in suburbia away from any sort of gay ghetto and be perfectly normal! Nearly every guy I talk to under 23 has the same sort of feelings that they are being libertine by wanting to live in suburbia with a monogamous husband and adopt children. Nothing could be further from the truth! You are becoming precisely a part of a system that has so many problems from the start. You just want your chance to be “just like everybody else” even if that means that those who aren’t (drag queens, leathermen, transpeople) won’t be there with you. It seems so arrogant that young people and many “normal” gay politics eschew what gave them their start to begin with. It is their very difference (non-normative sex) that makes them have an identity which they then want to say is normal. They view the beginnings of the movement as immature and wanton and say that the very system which has repressed them is superior.

Let’s tell queer youth not that they are normal, but you can be something more than normal. Read some queer theory. And by all means, being gay doesn’t mean you are normal, it is your first step towards realizing just how oppressive the system is and your capability for making real changes, not just a fight to join the club.

Meta-narratives

I’m feeling a bit silly lately. I feel in some ways intellectually exhausted after writing my paper on assimilation and black gay males and how that affects them as an intersectional identity and the different demands of separate communities. But I’m feeling a bit like I am very suspect to the ideas of others.

I’ve been reading mostly dry things lately, and I’ve felt the need to pick up something incomprehensible. While at the library today I picked up the ever-controversial book by Michael Warner, The Trouble with Normal, and a book with which I plan on having an equal amount of trouble, David Halperin’s How to Do the History of Homosexuality. I feel lured in by hearing the names that I have almost come to revere (Sedgewick, Butler, Halperin, Foucault) and the partial approval these have received and tend to shy away from things I view as being overly entrenched in our present situation.

I feel like we all are condemned to mean (to a certain extent, not entirely convinced by the idea of phenomenology) and I feel as if my meaning has been swallowed up or effused with deconstruction, performativity, and other post modern concepts that rail against a meta-narrative, and I feel as if I’ve replaced on with my own. Part of my reluctance is that so much of this is based on literary theory or philosophical theory that in many ways can seem so distant from the realities that we live in from day to day. I wonder if the world makes just as much sense to my mormon family with all its contradictions to their beliefs as I see it, as it does to me (and I’m sure they feel the reverse). Part of me wants to be scientific and say that their beliefs are not backed up by some sort of statistical evidence or some sort of representation or internal coherency. However, I feel part of the beauty of life is the violent swings, the baffling puzzles, the things that quite simply don’t make sense–and I appreciate your indulgence with something that is probably precisely that in reading this post.